APOLOGIES for hyperventilating. This pollen allergy could be the most
irksome physical aggravation (ailment?) that I ever had since my
hospital visits in Manila in 1995 and New Jersey in 2000. I'd rather
muster a bad flu than this irritation. I couldn't really sleep and I
had to contain my asthma almost every 20 minutes (thanks to the
nebulizer!) To make this more depressing, my fantastical
superhero/superhomey pretensions are now crumbling to pieces that I'm
even misunderstood or some people don't really believe that I am this
“sick.” It's not like I am about to die—but it also doesn't
mean that I have both physical and mental energy to go out at all.
Days ago, I thought I was fine—so I accompanied Cindyrella to some
errands (mostly I was in the car). But when I tried to walk inside
the store, my faulty breathing scared me. Days ago, when I refused to
see some friends to hang out, some thought I was making an alibi or
“acting like a douchebag.” That it was my usual aloofness and
indifference in meeting people. Not that, please.
I
must admit however that irrelevant of this allergy, I've cut my
so-called social life a considerable lot. Those who know me are aware
of how insanely relentless my community activities were (whether it
was in the Philippines or in the US). I led a life that seemed to run
between rains, a bullet train on hyperkick (sic). Hence the twin
near-death trips to the ER (mentioned above) weren't so surprising.
Those were all wear-and-tear exhaustion that I ignored or neglected
till it almost put me away.
These
days, it's more age catching up on me. Man, I will be 56 in July! I
might as well be 96. I am mentally tired and physically exhausted—yet
I still got huge energy to focus inward. Write. Create art. Teach.
Read. Enjoy family. I still do travel for “non-partying” leisure
and to read in support of my book/s and come out to see a good show or have dinner with few close friends—but I am not The Madman
anymore who used to supervise two club shows a week, two all-day park
concerts a month, edit and layout a fortnightly newspaper, travel to
New York and Baltimore monthly, perform almost weekly for years. I
don't know. But I tend to plan out my (outside) energy and time more
these days. I enjoy reconnecting with longtime friends and talking
with family on Facebook. I also got more than two dozens of TV series
and shows to follow, LOL! Honestly though, being with friends and
family albeit online keeps my peace and quiet realizable, pacifies my
homesickness funk.
Meantime,
I don't enjoy listening to advocacies and rants and ruminations
anymore, philosophies and spiritualities that I sought out in four
continents and many big city lights and small town barns and bars.
It's not like I am ahead of others or I already “knew” too much.
Not that. I just feel like I imbibed so much of life and the world
that the only way to loosen up and calm down is to write them or
translate all these into a more subdued flow (like being at home with the babedawg and koolcat or
cooking for friends, gardening and doing housework, teaching younger people what I know about
writing etc).
Yet
still I can say, I really don't know when my chakras will run berserk
again. I had a self-imposed two-year hibernation, dividing my time
between Candler NC and Athens GA, hoping that I could easy-down my
fire and churn out a number of writing projects. I did yet I am still
struggling to focus (yes and no thanks to Facebook distraction!) As I
said, I don't know. Those barbecue invites and gig hellos and
partytime hugs will have to wait. For now, I gotta deal
with this awful pollen (allergy) onslaught in my system. But I hope that
some friends and relations will understand. This is not an alibi and
I am not being a douchebag (I do hate that word). I am just
indisposed as hell. Allergy is such a bitch!
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